The statistics are grim: in the past decade, there have been roughly 540 school shootings in the United States that injured or killed at least one person. This figure doesn’t include overall mass shootings in the U.S.; there have already been over 200 of those in 2022 alone. As the number of school shootings grows—such as the recent massacre at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, Texas—so does the realization that we can’t promise our children that they are safe at school. What can we tell our children as school shootings continue to occur on campuses across the country, claiming victims of all ages? Because every child is different, there unfortunately isn’t a script or catch-all phrases that will work for every family. In fact, when starting the conversation, nationally-recognized trauma expert Ellen DeVoe, MSW, PhD, professor at Boston University’s School of Social Work, notes that you will want to consider your child’s developmental capabilities and personality, instead of just their numerical age. Even with young children, she stresses telling the truth is key. “If [your] child asks you, ‘Did people die?’ [it is important] that you tell the truth,” DeVoe stresses. “Not with a lot of graphic details, but because they will learn about it later and know they can trust their caregivers.” In our digital world, we know our children are more likely than ever to see breaking news—sometimes live—and Columbine survivor Crystal Woodman Miller, who authored A Kids Book About School Shootings, notes that we want to be the ones to create a safe space for our kids to learn about it and process their feelings.
5 Things Experts Recommend When Talking to Your Kids About School Shootings
With this in mind, there are a few guidelines to keep in mind when talking to your kids about school shootings that will help them—and you—navigate feelings in the days, weeks, months and even years to come.
1. Don’t worry about being perfect.
You won’t have every answer, and that’s okay. You won’t understand why this happened yet again and it is completely acceptable to admit that you don’t know. “It is great for our kids to see us struggling through something as well,” explains Miller. “Because if we had the answer, these [shootings] would not be happening anymore. What we get to say is, ‘I ask that all the time—why does this happen—and I don’t know, but I am doing the best I can to make your school better, to make this community better, to make our neighborhood safer.’” Miller says as you admit what you don’t know, reassure your children about what you do know. Just being there to have the conversation is key; no parent is perfect (and certainly not when addressing a topic like this).
2. Normalize the conversation
Especially given the frequency of school shootings over the past few years, DeVoe recommends checking in with your kids on a regular basis—even just on the way to school—using language such as, “I am going to ask you about this again and see how you are doing,” to help normalize discussing feelings, even about scary things. “You can say, ‘Tell me what you heard about this,’ so you can clear up any misconceptions,” DeVoe adds. This advice is especially important as inaccuracies and assumptions are easily spread on social media, and that may be your child’s main source of updates about each school shooting.
3. Validate their feelings
You likely will have a lot of the same feelings as your child, and Miller notes this is an opportunity to model what to do with your emotions and feelings. “Often as parents we think, I can’t show that I’m afraid or that I’m sad because that will frighten them,” she acknowledges. “What it actually does is disarm them and shows what [they ’re] feeling is okay.” By letting your kids know that their feelings—no matter what they are—are okay, Miller says we are helping them understand that those feelings don’t control them. “We want our kids to know they are capable of walking through a difficult world,” she adds.
4. Meet them where they’re at
You don’t need a family meeting in order to talk to your kids about school shootings. In fact, Miller recommends just setting aside time to do activities your children enjoy—whether that’s child-led play for younger kids or a trip to Starbucks for older kids—and allowing conversations to happen naturally. “You don’t have to sit across the table and lecture,” notes Miller, “[as] it creates anxiety for kids. If you enter into their world and do something they enjoy, then the conversation naturally flows.” Letting your child take the lead with the activity and checking in on them while doing something they enjoy can help them feel more safe when sharing their feelings. If nothing comes up in conversation that day, at least you got to spend some quality time together.
5. Make space for your kids to ask questions
If you allow your child to ask questions and direct where the conversation goes, you give them the space to process their feelings about the situation. If you try to guess what they are wondering about or may ask, you may be giving them too much information at once. To avoid this, DeVoe recommends starting with the basics and then simply asking if they want you to stop or if they want more information. “Some kids may not want to talk about it,” DeVoe notes. “[In that case,] follow their lead and make sure you are there in the background when they do have questions or worries.” You will be processing your emotions about school shootings—especially right after one occurs—at the same time as your child; you can do it together, in a safe space. Next up, read a few more recommendations for talking to your children about tragedy.
Sources
Crystal Woodman Miller, a Columbine survivor who authored A Kids Book About School ShootingsEllen DeVoe, MSW, PhD, trauma expert and professor at Boston University’s School of Social Work
