Suddenly, it’s 2 a.m. and you’re wide awake. But it’s not because you’re up worrying about the pandemic, or because you’re feeling paranoid about an unanswered text from a friend. It’s because your partner is snoring so loudly that the idea of getting back to sleep feels like a joke. So you take your pillow out to the couch and curl up with that couch blanket you’ve practically lived in since quarantine started, hoping to get a few more hours of sleep. Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone: According to data from a recent Casper Sleep survey, 14.3% of respondents said they’d started sleeping in different rooms from their partners since the start of the pandemic, citing issues like snoring (48.7%) and cover hogging (16.7%) as reasons why sleeping with their partner is disturbing their sleep. In fact, there’s even a term for this: It’s called a “sleep divorce,” and a mutual decision made by partners to sleep in separate bedrooms, or at least separate beds—you know, 1950s style. And while it sounds like it could be a bad thing, couples who try it say it doesn’t just improve the quality of their sleep, but their relationship overall. Skeptical? We asked experts about it—here’s what they had to say about the now-popular sleep divorce.
Why a sleep divorce can be a good thing
While there are those people who swear they can function well on a few hours of sleep a night, most of us are in pretty bad shape if we don’t get the recommended 7-9 hours of sleep per night. “Sleep is essential to our overall wellbeing, including immunity, mood, family life, and relationships,” notes Dr. Carlos M. Nunez, MD, sleep expert and ResMed chief medical officer. And as Dr. Michael Grandner, MD, Casper Sleep Advisor and Director of the Sleep and Health Research Program at the University of Arizona add, most adults don’t sleep alone—and that’s not necessarily a good thing. “Whether it’s a spouse or other partner, kids or other family members or even pets, the majority of adults in the US sleep with someone else in the same bed,” he says. “The data shows pretty clearly that when you share a bed with someone, your sleep is more shallow and disturbed because you hear the noises they make, feel when they roll over, etc.” At the same time, many people say they feel the psychological benefits of sleeping with someone else. “They often feel more connected, safer, and more satisfied with their life in general,” says Dr. Grandner. “This is especially the case when whoever it is they are sleeping with is someone with whom they have a good relationship. So being in the same bed with someone else can actually disturb sleep even though it sometimes makes people feel better about their sleep.” Long story short: A sleep divorce can be a good thing, but it really comes down to priorities. As Alison Stone, LCSW, a holistic psychotherapist based in New York puts it, it’s really about whatever works for you. “If the promise of better quality sleep outweighs any potential fallout of sleeping in separate beds, go for it!” Stone says. “If it starts to take a toll on your relationship (a drop in intimacy or increased resentment) then you may need to reevaluate.” Dr. Grandner adds that there’s often an idea that sleeping in separate beds signals a bad relationship, but that’s really not the case at all. “Actually, many people find that they have a better relationship when they sleep in separate beds or even in separate rooms,” he says. “Biologically, sleep might be a little better this way, since you have more control over your sleep environment that can be more closely tailored to your needs. The key is to keep any physical distance from turning into an emotional distance. But sometimes the better quality sleep helps you be a better-rested partner during the day!”
If your sleep divorce is due to snoring…
With the majority of people opting for separate bedrooms due to issues with snoring, Dr. Nunez notes that it’s important for the snoring partner to get this issue checked out, as it could signal a bigger health issue. “Snoring is a top symptom of sleep apnea, a condition that affects more than 50 million Americans and causes you to consistently stop breathing while asleep, preventing you from getting a proper night’s sleep,” he says. “Undiagnosed and untreated sleep apnea is linked to a higher risk of type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and other dangerous health issues.” If sleep apnea is the issue, a doctor can provide treatment options that can reduce or eliminate snoring altogether. “This could improve your overall health and relationship,” he says. Next up, check out the 10 best sleep podcasts.
Sources
Dr. Carlos M. Nunez, MD, sleep expert and ResMed chief medical officerAlison Stone, LCSW, a holistic psychotherapist based in New YorkDr. Michael Grandner, MD, Casper Sleep Advisor and Director of the Sleep and Health Research Program at the University of ArizonaCasper: “These Sleep Trends from Last Year Explain Why We’re All So Tired.“National Sleep Foundation: “How Much Sleep Do We Really Need?”
